DIAY: Brownies

When it comes to brownies, the less shortcuts you take, the better. Unless you’re getting to the real root of your ingredients, you’re really not living at all. So, thankfully for you, we’ve devised the world’s best brownie recipe, from scratch.


3 pounds cocoa beans

1/2 cup butter

1 cup sugar

2 eggs

1 cup flour

The best chocolate, as everyone knows, is found deep in the Bolivian jungle. Sadly, there’s no existing infrastructure to get it out of the country, so your best bet is to catch a flight down south to Sucre and row your way down an Amazon tributary until you hit an islet replete with wild cocoa. Hack six pods down with your machete, preferably in the dead of night—the most antagonistic tribes hunt foreigners in daylight.

Go find your cocoa.

Go find your cocoa.

While you’re there, it would be in your best interest to snap a few rods of sugarcane too. Plantations are plenty, and dusk is a good time to slip in and out under a guard’s nose.

ImageOnce you’re back home, it’s butter time. For a real down home, authentic taste of TRUE facemelting goodness, nothing short of milk fresh from a Jersey cow’s teat will do. Ideally, you will have accompanied the cow through its youth, gained its trust, and grown accustomed to its longings and patterns. Milk from the utter of a cow that trusts you makes infinitely better butter for brownies than just plain old milk.

Let the milk sit for a day. At dawn the next morning, skim the layer of silky rich cream off the top. Let this sit in a jar for eight hours. At dusk the same day, pour the cream into your Amish butter churn, and churn the night away. When the butter has separated from the buttermilk, drink the butter milk and wash the butter with a cup of your own tears.

This is your cultured butter. (SUCK IT MARTHA STEWART)

You will have, at this point, shredded and squeezed the juice out of your sugarcane. If you haven’t already (what have have you been doing then??), boil the juice until thickened and strain off the molasses-soaked sugar crystals.

Next, obviously, roast, crack, winnow your cocoa, then grind the nibs. Mash the paste together with some cocoa butter from your pantry. Add sugar if you’re that kind of person.

Next, conch and temper the chocolate if you haven’t already you lazy fool.

Now fetch two eggs from wild, virgin hens (this recipe just won’t work without Messiannic eggs).

Now, brownies. Melt the chocolate, butter, and sugar in a pan. By sunlight is best, so as not to tamper with the delicate chemical balance of the ingredients. Beat the eggs in with your fingers.



Now, slowly add the flour. What? We didn’t tell you to get flour? OH SHIT. Well if you cared at all about where your food comes from you would have a store of freshly harvested wheat already threshed, winnowed, and de-hulled in your pantry. Now, quick:  mill a handful and add teaspoon by teaspoon to the batter, stirring constantly.

Pour into a 9×13 pan, bake for 30 minutes at 375°, frost with the blood of a freshly slaughtered bison and invite your friends over!