Salt of the Week: Sweat Salt

This week’s salt is harvested about as close to home as you can get.

Over here at HoftheD, we spend our days sifting and sniffing our way through piles of salt—French grey, Himalayan pink, occasionally huffing stuff scraped from the bottom of the Dead Sea. After a while, you’ve got to wonder: might there be something closer to home?

Indeed, there is. As close as the sweat dripping between the ripples of your sizzling six-pack abs. And that’s why, this week, we’re going to teach you how to harvest salt from your own sweat. It’s an easy, free, and never-ending supply of sodium. Plus, it’s like no one else’s. Here’s how to do it:

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1. Rip off your clothes.

2. Punch a hole in a garbage bag.

3. Put your head through hole, punch out armholes. At this point, you should be wearing the garbage bag.

4. Go outside (unless it’s winter, in which case, you should fill your bathroom with steam and do this in place).

5. Run until your breath sputters and your vision blurs. Streams of sweat should be coursing down your body.

6. Run home (unless you’re in your bathroom, and if you are, stay there)

7. Do 400 push ups.

8. Lay down a layer of foil slightly bigger than the area of your body.

9. Lay your body on the foil, until all the moisture has evaporated off of your body.

10. Summon the slave you have hired to scrape the fine film of salty crust that has accumulated on your body.  Remnants will fall on the foil during this process. Save these as garnish for later.

11. Bottle the salt from your body, use liberally.

Garbage Bag Runner

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