Okay, we get it. Fried puff pastry tastes fucking awesome. It tastes even better filled with artisanal pastry cream and sprinkled with gold leaf harvested from mines in the depths of the central African jungle.
But do you really want it this bad?
We didn’t think so. Here at Hair of the Dog, we’ll do you a favor and tell you how to one-up Dominique Ansel and make your own PERMANENT buttery creation.
Fauxnut CroNOT Cronuts
Makes 11 fauxnuts for eating and one for keeping on the shelf
Note: Described by many as a one-third croissant, one-third doughnut, one-third display item — this pastry tchotchke by the Hair of the Dog team is about to take the world by storm. After its launch on August 14, 2013, Fauxnut CroNOT Cronut (TM) fans are expected to span the world from Berlin to Singapore, making it the most viral faux dessert item to date.
Please sample the Fauxnut CroNOT Cronuts (TM) immediately as they have a short shelf life. And if you do cut, please use a serrated knife, so as not to crush the layers. Never refrigerate these items as the humidity from the refrigerator will cause them to sweat and collapse.
For the dough
3/4 cups milk, warmed
1 tablespoon active dry yeast
1/3 cup sugar
2 large eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla
3 1/2 cups all-purpose flour (divided)
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup butter, room temperature
1 box latex casting kit
1 box liquid quick-drying silicone
1. Stir together milk and yeast in large bowl. Stir in eggs, sugar, and vanilla. Mix well. Sift in one cup of flour and the salt. Mix lightly. Gradually add another 2 1/4 cups of flour. Stir to combine and then knead until smooth and elastic, about 5 to 7 minutes. Wipe sweat from brow.
2. Transfer dough to bowl, cover with plastic, and refrigerate for 30 minutes.
3. While the dough is chilling, beat the butter with the remaining 1/4 cup flour using the paddle attachment of a stand mixer until smooth, about 2 minutes.
4. Once the dough is chilled, transfer it to a lightly floured work surface. Get out your ruler. Roll dough into a 13×18-inch rectangle, 1/4 inch thick. DON’T DEVIATE FROM THESE MEASUREMENTS. Spread the butter-flour mixture evenly over the dough. Lick fingers.
5. Remember letters? Out of paper? Fold the dough into thirds as you would fold a real letter to your grandma. Cover the dough in plastic wrap and put back in refrigerator for another 30 minutes. Do a little yoga.
6. After dough is firm again, return it to the lightly floured counter. Unwrap with the open sides to the left and right. Roll out and readjust shape into rectangle. Fold left third towards middle, followed by right third. After folding, cover with plastic wrap and put back in refrigerator for another 30 minutes. Watch an episode of Bob’s Burgers.
7. Roll, fold, and refrigerate dough two more times, so you’ve done it a total of four times. Cover and refrigerate for another hour, or overnight.
8. Have a stiff drink. We recommend 5 swigs of whiskey.
9. Pull dough from the refrigerator and roll it out 1 1/2 inches thick. Use a biscuit cutter, glass, or cocktail shaker to cut the dough into rounds. They’ll look like biscuits. Find a super small round object to cut out holes in the center.
10. In deep fryer, heat a couple inches of oil to around 350° F, or until hot but not smoking (a scrap of dough should sizzle when you drop it in). Take a deep breath and add a couple of dough rounds. DON’T CROWD THE PAN. YOU’LL REGRET IT. Flip as necessary until deep golden, then transfer to baking sheet lined with paper towel.
11. Once all the dough has been fried and cooled, eat 11 of the fauxnuts. You’re welcome to spread whatever the fuck you want on them. Clean out the fridge and eat some fried dough while you’re at it.
12. Next, take out your latex mold kit. Pour the liquid latex over the remaining fauxnut. Let dry overnight.
13. The next day, cut a thin line along the side of the mold and remove the fauxnut. Eat if you dare.
14. Pour liquid silicone inside mold and let dry overnight.
15. On the third day, the the mold will bring forth a permanent cronut: plastic pastry donuts bearing seed according to their kinds and more donuts bearing fruit with seed in it according to their kinds. And Ansel saw that it was good.