DIAY: The Elephamelbuffospodophiturkaboodgaremornigerfishincleflat



Summer is ending. Sure, the days of pickling watermelon rinds and prancing naked through meadows harvesting strawberries might be waning, but autumn is a fruitful season too. It brings with it a veritable jackpot of holidays, which, though a lovely time, can put a bit of a strain on your kitchen. Thankfully, we’ve got all your bases covered in one big, swell, meaty dish.

Forget the turkey, forget the turducken, even. If you’re only going to give your family three birds to show you care, you might as well be starving them. Because, as we all know, the only way to measure love is by the size of a meat pile.


Without further ado, your new holiday staple:

The Elephamelbuffospodophiturkaboodgaremornigerfishincleflat


1 elephant

1 camel

1 buffalo

1 ostrich

1 small pony

1 baby dolphin

1 turkey

1 wallaby

1 goose

1 badger

1 hare

1 mole

1 cornish game hen

1 gerbil

1 starfish

1 finch

12 clams

1 fly

2 gnats

sage for garnish


1. Debone all the animals.

2. Stuff the camel inside the elephant, buffalo inside the camel, ostrich inside the buffalo, pony inside the ostrich, baby dolphin inside the pony, and so on.

3. Braise for 9 hours, turning occasionally.

4. When finished, you’ll be left with the perfect storm of meat drippings in the pan. Blend the liquid with 14 lbs. of cultured butter and the tears of a baby lemur. Makes a lovely, savory sauce.

5. Garnish with fresh sage.  Best with a young, dry sauvignon blanc. If everyone is a bit slow getting to the table (kids! amirite???) the best way to keep the Elephamelbuffospodophiturkaboodgaremornigerfishincleflat warm is to lay on it.  Either take off all your clothes first, or be sure to wring the golden grease from you clothes afterwards. In my family, we have a lottery to see who gets the grease off grandma’s sweater after she takes a nap on it.

*If it’s a special occasion, put everything inside of a whale. Serve warm with a lovely beurre blanc.