To Drink this Week: Back-to-School Special

It’s nearing the end of August, and that means two things—the Bay Bridge is shutting down for a week and it’s time for …. BACK-TO-SCHOOL preparation!

While many focus on selecting the finest threads and hottest new notebooks (we’re gonna bring back the Trapper Keeper this year), we at Hair of the Dog like to set our sights on the best in clandestine high school cocktails. And even if you’re not in high school, you know you can’t resist the call of the secret water bottle.

“I swear it’s just Gatorade, mom!”

The Smoking Bottle, a back-to-school-special

The Smoking Bottle, a back-to-school-special

The Smoking Bottle

1 opaque water bottle

Contents of liquor cabinet

Small pitcher of water, for replenishing stock

Cranberry juice, grapefruit juice, orange juice, pineapple juice, or apple juice (or a mixture)

1. Later tonight, after your parents/husband/wife/domestic partner goes to bed, sneak to the liquor cabinet. Pick lock if necessary.

2. Select no less than 7 and no more than 10 different types of liquor from the cabinet. You’ll need to pour small amounts from many different bottles in order to avoid suspicion.

3. Pour 1/2 ounce each of chosen liquor into your opaque water bottle. Replenish liquor bottles with 1/2 ounce each of water. Again, this extra water will help you avoid suspicion.

4. Top off water bottle with juice of choice. Be sure to add enough juice to mask the revolting taste of your choice in booze.

5. Shake bottle until smoke appears. The smoke indicates maximum potency.

6. Quietly sneak out of your bedroom party and head to the neighborhood rager. Watch out for cops and don’t drink and drive.