Miley Cyrus Visits Tartine, Returns to Life of Youthful Purity

Smothered by the country’s latest slut-shaming spree,  Miley Cyrus fled to our fair city yesterday for some incognito resting. Cyrus, who made her first big TV splash as the child spy Hannah Montana, shattered her squeaky clean image by twerking on Robin Thicke at the VMA’s last week. In case you haven’t heard.

Some blame Cyrus’ dark, downward spiral on drugs, others blame Hollywood. Whatever happened, one thing is clear. America is very, very sad to have lost their favorite emblem of purity, righteousness, and Christian values. Thanks to Tartine, the star is finally back on track.

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Cyrus, before she lost her way

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…now.

Witnesses report that Miley Cyrus entered Tartine around 6:30pm last night, wearing a wig and aviator glasses. She asked for a vodka, and a patron pointed her to the window where wine is served. On the way there, something magical happened.

“She sniffed the air, stopped, and took off her glasses. That’s when I recognized her. Except she wasn’t the Miley I remembered. She looked sad, old, and weary,” said Chad Robertson.

Cyrus allegedly turned towards the pastry case and lingered for a few minutes before Robertson approached her. We understand the smell that stopped Cyrus in her tracks was the residual aroma of Robertson’s famous country loaf.

“We didn’t say anything, but I knew what she needed. I know the look of a lost soul a mile away. She needed some bread,” said Robertson.

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Although all of Tartine’s iconic country loaves disappear within an hour of their release at 5pm, Robertson said there was one he held back because “something in his heart told him to.”

“I sliced a piece from the middle, it was still warm. She took a bite, and then she started crying,” said the country’s favorite breadmaker.

Witnesses report that Cyrus went to the bathroom, wiped off her makeup, and came back to give Robertson a long, warm hug. She later made a short speech that acknowledged she had “strayed from the right path,” gotten distracted by “worldly treasures,” “and forgotten the Godly joy of simple things,” like Robertson’s country loaf.

This morning, Cyrus broke her contract with RCA and launched a Kickstarter campaign to start a grassroots nonprofit aimed towards empowering young women through bread baking.

We caught up with Cyrus, who was helping her elderly neighbor garden this afternoon. “I lost sight of what’s important. And I know, however far I might stray, Chad’s bread will always be there to save me,” said Cyrus.

The star has set up a daily air delivery of 150 country loaves to low-income areas around Los Angeles proper, with plans to expand the project.

“I want everyone having a hard time, anyone who’s lost their way, to have this bread. We could stop wars with this bread. We could go back to the old ways, we could save the world,” said Cyrus.

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