It’s time to cut the crap. We all know the truth but are afraid to share it.
Vegetable juice sucks. Fresh-pressed, raw, organic, vegan—whatever. It’s a poor source of nutrients, is stripped of fiber and protein, and it simply tastes bad. Let’s not even get started on drinking those things as part of a cleanse; drinking straight kale juice for 10 days is an idiotic way to spend $800.
Instead of drinking garden sludge, we here at Hair of the Dog advocate for a more thorough allotment of calories. We’d like to take a cue from old-school French cooks and make juice that really counts.
That’s right, folks, it’s time to start juicing like the carnivores we are. A week long meat juice bender is just the ticket when you’re recovering from a month of eating only salad. Your body needs the protein and your mind needs the carnal lust. Plus, it’s an easy way to use up all those extra free-range meat scraps you’ve got crowding your kitchen.
To start, we’ve developed five juices you can deploy throughout the day to curb cravings for beets and carrots.
Lean Machine: This thin juice is a great way to ease into a day of meat juicing. It is low-fat and mostly water; yet it also contains all the essential nutrients present in the raw beef.
To prepare: Take two raw filet mignons (or 8 ounces raw beef tenderloin) and cut into 1-inch cubes. Place cubes in the freezer for 10 minutes to firm up. Transfer beef to a food processor and pulse until roughly ground. Scoop the ground meet into a cheesecloth-lined strainer and sprinkle with salt. Twist the corners of the cheesecloth and squeeze to extract all of the juice inside. Drink. Freeze the remaining meat bits to use later in a smoothie or hamburger.
Blood of Babes: For our breakfast juice, we wanted to create an elixir that was filling and nutrient-dense, but not too rich.
To prepare: Take a trip to your nearest sheep farm. Ask nicely for some freshly slaughtered lamb’s blood. Run home and dump 1 cup lamb’s blood into a blender. Add 1/2 cup water (if you’re still full from the lean machine) or 1/2 cup whole milk (if you’re not). Blend until any residual coagulated blood has been smoothed out and incorporated into the mix. Drink.
Poultry Perfection: For lunch, take some swigs of this medium-rich blonde colored juice. We’ve decided to briefly poach the chicken first (for safety’s sake), but if you’re more hardcore than that, you can use raw flesh instead.
To prepare: Place one bone-in, skin-on chicken thigh and one bone-in skin-on split chicken breast (cut in half) into a pot of simmering water or stock. Cook until the outside just turns white, about 5 minutes. Remove the chicken and let cool. Once cool, remove the bones, keeping the skin intact. Save the bones for later. Shove the poached chicken into a juicer; extract juice. Drink.
Lap of Luxury: Dinner isn’t the time for a sissy juice. We’ve combined pork cheek meat, lardo, and foie gras (sourced outside of California, of course) for an unctuous drink that is truly luxurious.
To prepare: First, press 4 ounces of pork cheek meat through juicer. Add this juice to the blender along with 4 ounces of lardo and 2 ounces of foie gras. Blend until smooth. Drink like nobody’s watching.
Bone Solid: End your day with straight calcium. Through a straw.
To prepare: Walk over to your nearest butcher and ask nicely for extra pork, beef, duck, or chicken bones. They’ll likely have some sitting in a corner somewhere. Bring home. In a Blendtec, combine about 1 pound of the foraged bones with the remaining chicken bones from lunch. Blitz in Blendtec. Strain bone slurry through cheesecloth into a big ass glass. Top with a dollop of cream, if you must.