Only a fool would rely on loved ones to get what she wants at Christmas. And that’s why here, at Hair of the Dog, we are all about empowering you, dear reader, to push the world to the wayside and take what’s rightfully yours. Everything. But in case you’re looking for particulars, we’ve got some excellent ideas around how to treat yourself this decidedly not-secular holiday season. MERRY JESUS TIME!
1. Tartine Dough Bath: In the dead of night, break into Tartine and empty all the baskets of rising dough into your fake Pendleton Satchel. Drive home. Dump half into your bathtub. Light some candles, play some Genesis. Take off your clothes. Lay on the first layer, and resume adding the rest until you are almost fully submerged. Enjoy the pampering, you deserve it.
2. Dessert at Marianne’s: Venture inside the city’s most exclusive speakeasy, in the glittering bowels of the aristocratic Cavalier. No one is allowed inside unless accompanied by evidence of Twitter stock and (above). They probably don’t even serve dessert. But cry until they do.
3. Enslave Yigit Pura for Holiday Cookie Bake!: There’s no better gift to yourself at the holidays than proving to everyone how much better you are at everything than they are. The key to this, of course, is finding, capturing, and holding in hostage (all in holiday fun), someone who is markedly better than you at domestic things. So, this holiday season, terrorize your friends into awestruck wonder at your inner Martha by chaining Yigit Pura in your basement (must put oven and mixing bowl in basement) to churn out hundreds of mindblowing confections. Do not let him eat until the 4th day, otherwise he may become complacent.
4. Breakfast in Bed: Haul your bed into Plow for the best brunch in town! To get that real, drowsy wake-to-the-world with fresh toast experience, though, you’ll want to pull your bed into the spot at night, at a reasonable hour, and sleep in the main dining section.